Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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