This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
