So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
