Welp...herpes.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
