So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
