a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
