He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
