sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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