Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
there was a trapeze. enough said
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
