He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
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Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
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It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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