If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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