Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
