Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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