I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
