I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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