Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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