I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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