as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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