like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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