I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
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why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
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Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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