I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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