my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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