I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
