No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
