cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
