What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
