New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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