Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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