Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
