oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
