The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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