Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
