somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
