Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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