I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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