My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
