I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
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My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
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SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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