i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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