So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
