My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
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rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I think my moral compass just broke
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