4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
