Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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