I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
