the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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