omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
