you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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