made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
