dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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