My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
