I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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