i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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