This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
