i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
