I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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