I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
