Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
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all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
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Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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