Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
