I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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