hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
