i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
