this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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