my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
